Thank you for purchasing an official Sartano Sartano Spiritual Recuperation Kit. We here at Sartano Sartano appreciate your support. Included in your Sartano Sartano Spiritual Recuperation Kit (SRK) is the following:
If you are missing any of the items mentioned above, please contact our Customer Service Representative stationed at the nearest Sartano Sartano Caring Center, which will probably be the one in Batavia, because that is the location of what is so far the only existing Sartano Sartano Caring Center (CC). We will be more than happy to provide you with your choice of either a replacement Sartano Sartano SRK, a full refund, or a profuse apology from Sartano Sartano brainchild Jordan Sartano himself.
***Now, you’ve probably got all sorts of questions you’d like to ask about the Sartano Sartano SRK, so we thought, we at Sartano Sartano are a customer-pleasing organization, we are into pleasing the customer, so why not save your precious time and breath and right now answer some of your questions before you even ask them? Would that please you? We imagine it would. So here are some questions we imagine you’d like to ask, that we will answer preemptively.
Questions such as: Why am I in possession of a Sartano Sartano SRK?
You are holding this pamphlet for one of three possible reasons. Most likely, you are a person who is somehow dissatisfied with life in general, someone who is walking around constantly muttering, “I hate myself and I want to die.” Most likely you saw our TV spot right before Survivor: Moon and did a double take when you saw a very average looking man confess to being somehow dissatisfied with life in general, on TV no less. He slapped his forehead and said, “I hate myself and I want to change,” which was so similar to the way you felt, but it was also one crucial word different, and you wanted to know why. So you called us and ordered the internationally best-selling SRK, and it was shipped to you via UPS in 3-5 business days, and now look at you, on your way to who knows what. The second possible reason is that a dear friend of yours ordered the Sartano Sartano SRK for you. We offer a discount gift-giving option to our alumni, where spiritually recuperated members can compile list of depressed contacts and send them the Sartano Sartano SRK at 27% off retail price. If you know anyone who has completed our program, and if you are depressed, dissatisfied, or in any way not perfect, you may have just been given the missing piece of the puzzle. The third possible reason is that you found this Sartano Sartano SRK in an unnoticed dumpster, in which case we urge you to put it down immediately and exit the premises in a calm fashion.
Such as: What am I supposed to do with the Sartano Sartano SRK?
As explained before, the SRK comes equipped with a DVD, a notepad and pencil, this helpful introductory pamphlet, and a pair of glasses (significance TBA). The customary procedure is to read through this pamphlet until you get to the point where in large letters it says STOP READING THIS AND WATCH THE DVD NOW. When you get to that point, you are to stop reading this pamphlet and start watching the DVD, if you have a DVD player. If not, then for a minor fee you may exchange for a VHS tape. If you don’t have a VCR either, then for a less minor fee you may call our Customer Service Representative stationed at the nearest Sartano Sartano CC and arrange for the Sartano Sartano Covenant Players to show up at your home and act out the contents of the DVD in a slightly improvised fashion. While watching, you may use the notepad and pencil to take notes and fully maximize the amount of spiritual recuperation you undergo. The glasses will be explained in due time.
Such as: Is it true that there are small tracking devices installed in the Sartano Sartano SRK, so that if I try to throw it away before completing the curriculum, I will be followed and shot with tranquilizers and brought to a strange room filled with strange people?
No.
Such as: I don’t need this.
This is not a question, but it is something we will address nonetheless. This may sound rather ambitious, but when Jordan Sartano first conceived the idea for the Sartano Sartano Spiritual Recuperation Seminars, he wanted to create something that the whole world would benefit from. And if you look at the results we’ve seen in the 4 months since its inception, which we are more than happy to publish on our website at http://www.sartanosartano.org, we feel he accomplished just that. As you will see, the Sartano Sartano SRK has the ability to recuperate people of all race, creed, and color. Also it is universal enough to apply to both people who think they are happy but are actually not and also people who know they are not happy and hate themselves and want to die. We feel that those who believe they are perfect are in denial, and the others will seek us out.
Such as: Where did this whole Sartano Sartano movement begin?
Jordan Sartano was once a nothing. You might be thinking, a nothing, just like me, but the truth is, he was worse than you, and he will be the first to admit this. That is why he will only be photographed in public when he is wearing his I was once worse than you t-shirt. He was as they say speeding down the road to nowhere. He was hating himself and wanting to die. But one day a voice spoke to him. It said, “Jordan, you were given this life for a reason. That reason is to help other people. That reason is to help other people.” And that’s when Jordan came up with the idea for Sartano Sartano, because if something’s good, why not repeat it. Slowly but surely, Jordan found the path to success and happiness, which is: if you give to others, you will be given to.
Such as: How can I donate to the cause of Sartano Sartano?
Personal checks, travelers checks, credit, cash, or any kinds of valuable possessions can be sent to:
Sartano Sartano Caring Center
412 Scarborough Ave.
Batavia, IL 60510
This next section of the Sartano Sartano SRK is one in which you will answer questions that we ask. You will see a question on the left edge of the page, and three empty boxes lined up on the right. Use the complimentary pencil to check the appropriate box, the left box being a definitive Yes, the middle being a definitive Maybe, and the right being a definitive No. For optimal results, it would be best if you refrain from checking more than one box, but it would also be best if you answer each question.
Sample question: Is the Sartano Sartano SRK an international phenomenon?
(turn page)
Now that you’ve finished watching the DVD, we hope you have a better sense of what Sartano Sartano means. We hope we have dispelled the rumors that we are nothing more than a sex club. We hope instead of a sex club, you see us as what we truly are, which is a group of givers giving each other enough to keep giving. If you continue to have questions regarding Sartano Sartano that don’t involve the proper use of the glasses packaged into your SRK, we encourage you to watch the DVD again, pausing to take notes when ideas seem difficult to grasp. You have now completed Step 1 in the Sartano Sartano Regimen of Spiritual Recuperation. The rest of the pamphlet is meant to solidify those who insist on feeling unsure of the SRK’s value to them. If you wish, you may skip ahead to Step 2 of the regimen, which is to log onto our website (www.sartanosartano.org) and upload the results of the survey you just finished. A graphed out analysis will be emailed back to you within the hour, and from there you can engage in a number of Recuperation Activities. We believe in offering people the freedom to shape how they learn to not hate themselves and not want to die.
***I was a stripper and a cocaine junky for twelve years, and then I found out about the Sartano Sartano Spiritual Recuperation Seminars and Hang Out Sessions. I showed up, because, what’s the harm in a little entertainment, right? Wrong. The harm was, it showed me how my entire life was devoted to an empty cause. Because I was giving and being given to, but it was a fake giving for both sides, because I never wondered if these guys actually want sex all the time, or if that’s just what they think they want. Now I am seeing that part of what it means to give is to decide what’s good for the person too.
—Trixie Toppleton
I was so depressed before going through the Sartano Sartano SRK. I was tired all the time, and when I actually had energy, I would spend it all thinking of ways to get rid of it. I hated myself and I wanted to die. But the teachings of Jordan Sartano are so true.
—Herb Croucher
No longer do I hate myself and want to die. Now I merely hate myself and want to change, and I believe Sartano Sartano will help me through this.
—Charles Wurdlin
I was raped one night. It was dark out, and I was walking to the library. After the man left, I found a Sartano Sartano SRK in a nearby dumpster. Next thing I knew, I was in a strange room filled with strange people. And I can thank my lucky stars for that.
—Leslie M.
Life before the Sartano Sartano Regimen of Spiritual Recuperation was just…gray. It was numb. I just couldn’t feel anything. I tried drugs, which, surprise, accomplished slim to nill. Drugs are so empty, let me tell you. They are not Cool. I tried beating people up, not Cool. My girl left me. Not Cool. Life was one giant humdinger. I was brought to a rock bottom far lower and rockier than any rock bottom I’d ever imagined. And when you’re that far down, it’s like you can’t just climb your way back out, if you understand my analogy. The Sartano Sartano Spiritual Recuperation Kit was the rope ladder I needed.
—Jamima Tochenfield
Sartano Sartano yanked these folks out of their depression. Could it work for you???
***Here is a list of Sartano Sartano beginner Hang Out Sessions:
You have now completed your Sartano Sartano SRK. Good for you! Pat yourself on the back. Give yourself a hug. Eat some ice cream if you’re not currently struggling with gluttony. Thank you for taking the time to listen to what Sartano Sartano can do for you. We know you are depressed, and we know you are currently so far from God you feel like nothing in the world can help you. Pardon us if we disagree. We hope you will continue with the Sartano Sartano Spiritual Recuperation Regimen. There is quite a handful of seminars we feel will help you! We like to think Jordan Sartano had you specifically in mind when he was crafting this organization together. We like to think this even if you are convinced that no one ever has you in mind, because if you met him, you would see, he is so good at having people in mind. We have you in mind and we want for you to feel excited again. We want it so badly it keeps us up at nights. We toss and turn in bed, thinking, how can we get this one person to stop feeling in such a rut? And if we may say so ourselves, we think we’ve figured it out. Let us tell you how.
Sincerely,
Your friends at Sartano Sartano
Copyright 2004-2005 :: The New Pantagruel 1.3.