the New Pantagruel

SRK # 200

by Sumanth Prabhaker

hank you for purchasing an official Sartano Sartano Spiritual Recuperation Kit. We here at Sartano Sartano appreciate your support. Included in your Sartano Sartano Spiritual Recuperation Kit (SRK) is the following:

• The Sartano Sartano Spiritual Recuperation DVD
• An official Sartano Sartano notepad with pencil
• This pamphlet
• A pair of glasses, sans lenses (significance TBA)

If you are missing any of the items mentioned above, please contact our Customer Service Representative stationed at the nearest Sartano Sartano Caring Center, which will probably be the one in Batavia, because that is the location of what is so far the only existing Sartano Sartano Caring Center (CC). We will be more than happy to provide you with your choice of either a replacement Sartano Sartano SRK, a full refund, or a profuse apology from Sartano Sartano brainchild Jordan Sartano himself.

Now, you’ve probably got all sorts of questions you’d like to ask about the Sartano Sartano SRK, so we thought, we at Sartano Sartano are a customer-pleasing organization, we are into pleasing the customer, so why not save your precious time and breath and right now answer some of your questions before you even ask them? Would that please you? We imagine it would. So here are some questions we imagine you’d like to ask, that we will answer preemptively.

Questions such as: Why am I in possession of a Sartano Sartano SRK?

You are holding this pamphlet for one of three possible reasons. Most likely, you are a person who is somehow dissatisfied with life in general, someone who is walking around constantly muttering, “I hate myself and I want to die.” Most likely you saw our TV spot right before Survivor: Moon and did a double take when you saw a very average looking man confess to being somehow dissatisfied with life in general, on TV no less. He slapped his forehead and said, “I hate myself and I want to change,” which was so similar to the way you felt, but it was also one crucial word different, and you wanted to know why. So you called us and ordered the internationally best-selling SRK, and it was shipped to you via UPS in 3-5 business days, and now look at you, on your way to who knows what. The second possible reason is that a dear friend of yours ordered the Sartano Sartano SRK for you. We offer a discount gift-giving option to our alumni, where spiritually recuperated members can compile list of depressed contacts and send them the Sartano Sartano SRK at 27% off retail price. If you know anyone who has completed our program, and if you are depressed, dissatisfied, or in any way not perfect, you may have just been given the missing piece of the puzzle. The third possible reason is that you found this Sartano Sartano SRK in an unnoticed dumpster, in which case we urge you to put it down immediately and exit the premises in a calm fashion.

Such as: What am I supposed to do with the Sartano Sartano SRK?

As explained before, the SRK comes equipped with a DVD, a notepad and pencil, this helpful introductory pamphlet, and a pair of glasses (significance TBA). The customary procedure is to read through this pamphlet until you get to the point where in large letters it says STOP READING THIS AND WATCH THE DVD NOW. When you get to that point, you are to stop reading this pamphlet and start watching the DVD, if you have a DVD player. If not, then for a minor fee you may exchange for a VHS tape. If you don’t have a VCR either, then for a less minor fee you may call our Customer Service Representative stationed at the nearest Sartano Sartano CC and arrange for the Sartano Sartano Covenant Players to show up at your home and act out the contents of the DVD in a slightly improvised fashion. While watching, you may use the notepad and pencil to take notes and fully maximize the amount of spiritual recuperation you undergo. The glasses will be explained in due time.

Such as: Is it true that there are small tracking devices installed in the Sartano Sartano SRK, so that if I try to throw it away before completing the curriculum, I will be followed and shot with tranquilizers and brought to a strange room filled with strange people?

No.

Such as: I don’t need this.

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